Frequently, husbands come to me AFTER their wife doesn’t want to talk to them, rejects any form of touch or intimacy, and indicates that she feels a need to go “sort out her thoughts and find herself” in some place where her husband is NOT.
Typically, these husbands come to me in a state of “shock” because although they knew their marriage wasn’t all that great, they thought it was ok enough to continue on.
But, not for their wife – for the wife, the marriage is no longer suitable enough to continue. The wife is no longer willing to continue on in the unhappy state and situation that she’s in.
Usually, these husbands tell me that everything was fine in their marriage up until a few days, maybe a few weeks, sometimes a few months ago.
The thing is, men fail to understand how women generally handle problems and unhappiness differently than they do.
There are always exceptions, but most men will “externalize” a problem that’s making them unhappy – they’ll generally get it out in the open. And, by getting it out in the open, the problem usually somehow gets mitigated down to an acceptable level such that it’s no longer considered a problem – it becomes “No big deal”.
Conversely, most women will “internalize” a problem that’s making them unhappy – they’ll simply “stew and simmer” on the problem internally until it completely eats them up from the inside out. And, by the time the “problem” reaches the “outside world”, it is a “HUGE problem” – sometimes it’s so huge that it has become a “Deal breaker!”
And of course, as these “shocked” husbands get the “news” from their wife, they start asking her a myriad of questions like:
* What’s wrong?
* What did I do?
* Did I do something to hurt you?
* What is it that you want?
* What do you want from me?
* What about us?
* Does our relationship and family mean nothing to you?
* What about our future?
And, as the husband peppers his wife with this barrage of questions, she finally responds with something that goes like this:
“I don’t know…it’s not you…it’s me…I don’t know what I want any more…I just need to get away so I can think!”
And, with that one response, the wife takes all the wind out of her husband’s sails. The husband doesn’t have a leg to stand on. There’s nothing he can do.
At least, that’s what it seems like to him.
Actually, there’s a lot he can do…
First, he can realize that HE IS a big part of the problem. He can realize that his wife is reacting and responding to who and what he is…and it happens to be an unfavorable reaction and response. That’s good news because it means there IS something HE CAN do…he can learn how to create a different reaction and response in his wife towards him.
Second, he can realize that his wife is NOT a “logical” person like he is. That means she cannot logically explain what’s wrong or what she wants.
All she knows is that she doesn’t “FEEL” happy…and she wants to move AWAY from the “thing” that’s she FEELS is making her unhappy…her husband!
Third, he can realize that his wife is having this response towards him because she has unmet needs – and he can quickly get to work learning what her needs are and just as quickly get to work meeting those needs.
Fourth, he can realize that his wife is having this response towards him because HE has NOT behaved and operated in such a way that his wife finds him attractive and appealing – and he can quickly get to work learning how it is that he needs to behave and operate such that his wife begins to “FEEL” differently towards him.
Let me give you an example of that last item…
Just the fact that the husband asked his wife all of the questions I listed out above, TELLS the wife…it makes it clear to her…that her husband DOES NOT know how to lead him and her to the happy, loving, and intimate “place” that she wants to be in. In her mind, she KNOWS that she wants a MAN who CAN take her to the “FEELINGS” that she wants…and if her husband is asking her how to take her to that place, then that means he isn’t the MAN who can take her there. By asking these questions, a husband “operates” in a way that is unattractive and unappealing to his wife.
If you can relate to any of this, that means it’s time for you to “get with it”!
You’ve got a short opportunity to learn what you need to learn. Your wife’s clock is “ticking” and she’s not interested in living “without” the feelings she wants much longer…